Last 6 Months

Gosh it's been 6 months since I started my Google blog?!?! Wow. Where's the time gone? It's kind of funny cause after I made my first blog entry I totally forgot I had a blog...lol...sounds about right....That's definitely something I'd do.
I think it was about 3 months later I remembered lol....it just came to me. I remember I was cooking...probably dinner but forgot what it was. All of a sudden in the middle of my racing thoughts I said to myself, "I need to write another blog entry soon"....just as simple as that, as if it had been on my mind all the time. Lol crazy...well after that moment I've been so busy I hadn't had the chance to get my thoughts together to create a new one....& here I am tonight. Head full of thoughts, body aching, stiff neck, feel like the world is crashing down around me.... But...I finally remembered to do another entry lol

So where have I been in the last 5 months? Well I've been home, mostly.
I've been tucked away in the safety of my home from the dangers that lurk outsie. Lol no but seriously....in the first 2 months since my last entry I was depressed, scared, worried, troubled, in excruciating pain etc...so I guess I sheltered myself from everything & everyone....sitting around home counting the days til tax return time & I can finally seek treatment for my fibro...Well the more I waited, the more depressed I got, the more my anxiety kicked in, then asthma attacks kicked in, migraines followed, pain & stiffness accompanied all of these. Stress induced stomach cramps & bathroom visits topped it all off. But the real kicker was that I'm a SAHM (Stay At Home Mom) so there's a never ending supply of hours, minutes, & seconds in a day/week/month for me to drown myself in my worries; physical, mental, & emotional worries. Which in turn only makes the circumstances worse. You see, living with fibro makes it crazy difficult to get, & keep a job...any job...whether white or blue collar type...so it seemed that all I could was sit & sulk.

Well by the 3rd  month I decided that I needed to do something...I set out to find online work. This wasnt my first attempt. Probably my 1,000th attempt to find a legit mlm programs to do from home.
Well I found a couple...but got nowhere...not cause they're not legit...but cause they're very difficult to do without a team effort. Then I found a super cool group of people on fb. Just gonna give a quick shout out to Angie, Jennie, Jason, Aston, & John over @ Networkers Unlimited group on Facebook.
Anyhoo so I've been crazy busy with them working my butt off online & getting ready for this super exciting program to launch this week.

So for the last 3  months that's where I've been...staying busy. Still struggling with my pains, migraines, anxiety, restlessness, depression, brain fog, racing thoughts etc. But at least now I don't feel so alone.. I'm not sitting & sulking anymore. I've made many great connections along the way, lost a couple connections but that's for the best.

Now when I say I was sulking, let's not over exaggerate it & assume I was literally sitting at home everyday saying things like "oh poor me, I'm so ill, poor me I'm sore," etc...lol no it wasn't like that...I was speaking figuratively....but in reality it's kinda hard not to notice the pain & other associated feelings...in fact it's nearly impossible to ignore. But only someone going through it would know...most just cant grasp it !!!....oh well...it's my fight not theirs.

& that concludes my blog about the Last 6 months...hopefully I'll remember to do another entry sooner this time lol

Lying Awake At Night

It's 1:00 am & I'm lying in bed wide awake.
My husband & 2 daughters sound asleep next to me as I lay here with racing thoughts, eyes wide open. This is my norm. This is my nightly routine. A thousand thoughts run through my mind, not a single one makes sense. With all the wonders in the world floating around in my brain, I often feel as though I'm leaving on that midnight train. Lol haha. No matter how hard I try I just can't shut it off.
Perhaps I dread the painful guarantees of the tomorrows. Maybe it's my anxiety of the current life stresses. Maybe it's just me, just my nature. As long as I can remember I've always been a sort of night owl, but at will. Not now; I've got no choice. It just happens.

Is there some sort of legit explanation for it all? Is there really a perfectly good explanation for my lack of sleep? I don't know. Maybe! But as the rest of America sleeps, I lay wide awake. Am I the only one? Are there others with racing thoughts and no off switch? I feel so alone,  and misunderstood. "Just close your eyes, stop thinking, & fall asleep" they say. "It's so simple" they say. Really it's not though!! It's not as easy as 1-2-3, A-B-C!! Not even prescription strength pills, which normally knock me out will work for me when it's bed time.

Despite my wandering thoughts my body also aches from head to toe. There is no comfortable spot regardless how I toss and turn. When on my back I feel like my chest is heavy, like it's suffocating me. I can feel my pulse racing, feels like 1,000 beats per minute. And there's my hip...I can't even imagine about where to begin about my hip. Let's leave it at whatever it's doing, it's causing the lower portion of my back to arch. I can literally fit my entire arm under the space between my lower back as my bed....make that 2 arms on top of each other ( yup i gave it a try....I'll be paying for it tomorrow though) & there still room for another arm. Ooh can't forget the temporary paralysis from hip down by morning if i manage to fall asleep on my back.
Laying on my side, either side feels like my chest is being crushed between both arms...without a pillow between my legs my knees will get sharp excruciating pain in them from resting on each other; with a pillow it feels like the outer portion of my hip is trying to dislocate. My arms cramp up, the slipped disc in my neck becomes aggravated.
On my tummy which used to be my favorite sleep position, well it's no longer an option at all. My hip & spine don't mesh well at all in this position. It's as though I'm pushing my butt up & out....which presses on my spine or something then I'm immobile can't turn over or even push myself up with my arms because the pain is too great. Many times I've woken my husband and eldest son up with crying and shouting out for help, for someone to roll me over so i can simply adjust my positioning, moving any limb feels like my back will break. So no tummy time for me at least not when falling asleep. Many times I've rolled on to my tummy while asleep & the poor men in my life get disturbed from their slumber just to come to my aide.
And there's the numbing sensation in various parts of my body with all sleep positions....different part each time so i never know which it'll be. Ever woke up with your entire back or entire torso numb? I have...too many times to count. What about a numb sensation in your neck? It's crazy & scary. I truly fear one day I'll wake up & be permanently paralyzed. That's a fear that's been waying on me for awhile. I've never said it out loud or told anyone, but the fear is there & very real!!

If & when I finally do sleep, waking up it's a process. My brain is the complete opposite of what it was just hours before. Sometimes I don't know where I am ( usually happens if i wake before my kids or if they're being really quiet). Most times i have no idea what day it is, what i had planned for the day if anything at all, I have almost no memory of anything for the first hour or so after waking up. Despite having just rested, I need to lay in bed awhile longer to let my body wake up & recuperate.

So maybe all of that is why I stay awake at night. If I'm awake i can adjust my positioning accordingly so I'm not stuck in one position too long & I can prevent myself from rolling to my stomach. If I'm still awake when morning comes at least I'll know where I am, what day it is, the days plans etc. A couple of downfalls though. No energy, lack of desire or will to do anything more than what needs to be done, grouchy mommy, brain fog & fatigue. But hey i know what's going on & where I'm at so all is good right?....uh uh!!!

Does this cycle ever stop? Will it ever get better? Oh the millions of thoughts & questions that run through my brain....it needs to stop so i can catch that train. The midnight train to SleepyTown. Lol