It's 1:00 am & I'm lying in bed wide awake.
My husband & 2 daughters sound asleep next to me as I lay here with racing thoughts, eyes wide open. This is my norm. This is my nightly routine. A thousand thoughts run through my mind, not a single one makes sense. With all the wonders in the world floating around in my brain, I often feel as though I'm leaving on that midnight train. Lol haha. No matter how hard I try I just can't shut it off.
Perhaps I dread the painful guarantees of the tomorrows. Maybe it's my anxiety of the current life stresses. Maybe it's just me, just my nature. As long as I can remember I've always been a sort of night owl, but at will. Not now; I've got no choice. It just happens.
Is there some sort of legit explanation for it all? Is there really a perfectly good explanation for my lack of sleep? I don't know. Maybe! But as the rest of America sleeps, I lay wide awake. Am I the only one? Are there others with racing thoughts and no off switch? I feel so alone, and misunderstood. "Just close your eyes, stop thinking, & fall asleep" they say. "It's so simple" they say. Really it's not though!! It's not as easy as 1-2-3, A-B-C!! Not even prescription strength pills, which normally knock me out will work for me when it's bed time.
Despite my wandering thoughts my body also aches from head to toe. There is no comfortable spot regardless how I toss and turn. When on my back I feel like my chest is heavy, like it's suffocating me. I can feel my pulse racing, feels like 1,000 beats per minute. And there's my hip...I can't even imagine about where to begin about my hip. Let's leave it at whatever it's doing, it's causing the lower portion of my back to arch. I can literally fit my entire arm under the space between my lower back as my bed....make that 2 arms on top of each other ( yup i gave it a try....I'll be paying for it tomorrow though) & there still room for another arm. Ooh can't forget the temporary paralysis from hip down by morning if i manage to fall asleep on my back.
Laying on my side, either side feels like my chest is being crushed between both arms...without a pillow between my legs my knees will get sharp excruciating pain in them from resting on each other; with a pillow it feels like the outer portion of my hip is trying to dislocate. My arms cramp up, the slipped disc in my neck becomes aggravated.
On my tummy which used to be my favorite sleep position, well it's no longer an option at all. My hip & spine don't mesh well at all in this position. It's as though I'm pushing my butt up & out....which presses on my spine or something then I'm immobile can't turn over or even push myself up with my arms because the pain is too great. Many times I've woken my husband and eldest son up with crying and shouting out for help, for someone to roll me over so i can simply adjust my positioning, moving any limb feels like my back will break. So no tummy time for me at least not when falling asleep. Many times I've rolled on to my tummy while asleep & the poor men in my life get disturbed from their slumber just to come to my aide.
And there's the numbing sensation in various parts of my body with all sleep positions....different part each time so i never know which it'll be. Ever woke up with your entire back or entire torso numb? I have...too many times to count. What about a numb sensation in your neck? It's crazy & scary. I truly fear one day I'll wake up & be permanently paralyzed. That's a fear that's been waying on me for awhile. I've never said it out loud or told anyone, but the fear is there & very real!!
If & when I finally do sleep, waking up it's a process. My brain is the complete opposite of what it was just hours before. Sometimes I don't know where I am ( usually happens if i wake before my kids or if they're being really quiet). Most times i have no idea what day it is, what i had planned for the day if anything at all, I have almost no memory of anything for the first hour or so after waking up. Despite having just rested, I need to lay in bed awhile longer to let my body wake up & recuperate.
So maybe all of that is why I stay awake at night. If I'm awake i can adjust my positioning accordingly so I'm not stuck in one position too long & I can prevent myself from rolling to my stomach. If I'm still awake when morning comes at least I'll know where I am, what day it is, the days plans etc. A couple of downfalls though. No energy, lack of desire or will to do anything more than what needs to be done, grouchy mommy, brain fog & fatigue. But hey i know what's going on & where I'm at so all is good right?....uh uh!!!
Does this cycle ever stop? Will it ever get better? Oh the millions of thoughts & questions that run through my brain....it needs to stop so i can catch that train. The midnight train to SleepyTown. Lol
